Intolerance

Overheard on the bus today after a delay due to a fatal accident on the road in front with no suitable diversions. “Well that’s just wasted an hour of my time. Thank you!” ME: (Tapping Lady on the shoulder) “I don’t know if you noticed but the occupants of that grey car no longer have the luxury of an hour on Earth, let alone one to waste. Have some ‘effing’ respect you moron.” One full double decker bus – one silent onward journey. Note to self: You stopped using public transport for a reason; The fact the public are on it.

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The Joys of The Internet

Hello, It’s been a while hasn’t it?

How are you?

Do you know, I knew you’d say that. Most people reply with; “Good thanks, and you?”

They then continue to walk away just as I start to tell them. Bit rude, really.

How are my what?
Yes, they’re still playing up. Apparently you can get special cream for them, but you know me.

Lactose intolerant.

This? It’s a laptop.
It runs on wiffy. That’s a technical term. My Grandson popped it round for me to have a sniff.

He’s been giving me a few lessons on how to surf the net.

Has what?

Have surf and nets got anything to do with sea fishing?

HAHA !! I can tell you’re new to all this.
Fishing is not a good thing on the internet, apparently.

Look, come and sit here, next to me.
Ooh, don’t wobble it. Your chubby knees aren’t cut out to hold a laptop, are they?

You wonder what that button does? I’ll press it and see.

Nothing’s happened. Oh well. It’s only small so it can’t be that important.

I am getting to be quite a good googly,
That’s a technical term as well, Nothing to do with cricket.

Now. let’s have a good old goggle.

Watch how it works. I’ll press the buttons. You aren’t as oafy as me with these things.

Think of a film you would like to see and I will find it for you.

What do you want to appear in front of your eyes?

Anna Sewell’s what?
Oh, I remember that film.
Lovely horsey film. Good choice. That’s quite unusual for you.

Right, So, Pay attention, are you watching?

This is all very technical.

So, I type in “Black Beauty” and … … … … OH! MY!
This is definitely not about a horse !

Will you stop laughing!!

What do you mean; “Well it appeared and could have your eye out?”

Plus he’s what like a horse?

I’ll find something else. Leave it to me. If I type ‘see more’ that should fix it.

OH! MY LIFE ! How is that even possible? I’ve only got a twelve inch screen.

Think of a different film, quick.

Ooh ! I know what to do … Last film I looked for before hitting that button …

‘FREE WILLY’. Here we go …

Trivia

Am I overly calm or do people over react to simple accidents? I was taking my lovely Mum for a routine blood test five minutes from her home. I was looking at the traffic at the junction and was stationary. I honestly think the woman in front of me rolled back as we waited at the junction but she leapt out of her car and acted like I had just deliberately tried to wipe out her entire life by my car tapping her back bumper. She was off the scale. Screaming and posturing, she wanted my phone number and where I worked. The louder she got, the calmer I was. Life’s too short to worry about people like that. Not a scratch to either vehicle. I expect she will have whiplash and stress. Entirely caused by all of her vein-inducing venting and pantomiming. Cynical? Maybe. I truly have had bigger impact bumps with trolleys in a Supermarket and we all say; “Sorry!” and just get on with life.

I will leave it to the insurers.

Bear with me

Hello, You! Come on in.
It’s been a while. That jumper has always suited you, so you are right to stick with it.

That stain is nearly invisible now, isn’t it?

The kettle’s just boiled. Sit yourself down. Coffee?

Tea? Oh, okay. Not a problem.

As everyone knows, I only drink coffee but I’m sure I have a teabag somewhere.
Here it is. It’s the one you had last time so I know you like the taste.

Luckily I put it to one side in case of emergencies.

What?
Crunchy? Is it?.
I think the kettle needs de-scaling, to be honest.
I’ve been busy writing elsewhere so I haven’t been in Mary’s Literary Corner much.
Little things get overlooked, don’t they?

Ah, well, you can pretend the crunch was a biscuit.
I see you haven’t brought any.

Ooh, that reminds me;
I have left a little poem in here somewhere.

Bear with me … … “RROOAARRR!!!”
HA!HA! HA!

Oh! That’s gone all over hasn’t it. I forgot how jumpy you can be.

I’ll get you a cloth.

That’s lucky. It’s in roughly the same place as last time.
If you get off now and pop it into soak it’ll be practically unnoticeable.

I’ll read this poem to you next time. Come back soon.

Preparing to repair or re-prepare?

Mary’s Literary Corner. The clearout.

Published by: Mezz on 17th Apr 2018 | View all blogs by Mezz
Edit Blog | Delete Blog

Hello, you! Come in and sit down.
I haven’t got much done in my Literary Corner this week but there is a good reason.

I have been sorting out my writing cupboard to see if there’s anything worth re-hashing and updating.

DON’T MOVE THEM !!
Sit over there and for gawd’s sake, try not to disrupt my system. It’s a bit technical.

Actually, before you do – Could you pop through to the kitchen and do the honours?

You haven’t brought a sword? Oh,Very funny!

I mean make us a hot beverage – not bestow a Knighthood.

I’m trapped between 1979 and 1991 and my legs don’t like parting like they used to.

All you need to do is step over the first three piles of multi-coloured cardboard files without mixing up the blue and yellows and lift those loose A4 notes onto the table.

There you go. Ooh, you’ve got no trouble swinging your legs over have you!

HEY! Do you remember when you won the ‘Friendliest Girl on Friday’ award?

I don’t know what triggered that memory.

What now? Well, You just need to move the green box files to the right to reach the kettle but NOT enough to let them touch the wall. The damp’s shocking. Careful when you switch on.

Did it? Oh well, I did warn you it was damp out there.

Shocked? Were you? Me, too. Remember all that money they said I had to pay for a damp course?

Total waste of time – the guy never taught me a thing.

Keep your hands dry and put any notes you disturbed when you jumped back on the right coloured piles. No harm done. The trip switch is to your right.
… … Ooh, now look at this for a story – I remember writing this.

JESUS !! You made me jump !!
I forgot you were here. I was busy reading this brilliant story I wrote.

Why are you Yelling “HERE WE ARE!”
Here the bloody hell WHO are?

OH! Just you and the drinks.

Where can you put what?

Well, I ASSUMED you would use the tray so you could bring the drinks, biscuits, milk, cold water, sugar, sweeteners and spoons all in the one go and put the tray in the space this side of the table left by the loose notes. It’s not hard to plan ahead.

Honestly ! You amaze me.
I love you popping in uninvited and demanding hospitality.
I truly have no problem with your lack of thought for others, but I really do think you need to be a tiny bit more organised.

Me? I am – Just look at my colour coded system.

Ooh, Do you remember when I wrote a colour coded system for the shared septic tank back in the Village days? I must look into it.

Well, What’s funny about that?

You do have a strange sense of humour, I must say.

Sit down and pour the drinks.

NOT THERE !!

Well, That’s that spilled everywhere.You really are as jumpy as ever. There’s tissues on the side.

Have you thought about nerve pills?

I jumped earlier? Well, of course I did.

In my defence. You WERE aware of me in full view reading one of my masterpieces and I had forgotten you had invited yourself round.

Luckily I have all that pile saved on a PC disc or this whole evening’s streamlining towards a paperless society would have just been ruined.

Don’t knock over those piles of “Written in The 80’s – Maybe Reuse?”
I’m just about to get to them …

Bas***d

I Spent yesterday Afternoon watching the final Six Nations with my lovely Mum. Lacklustre end to the competition. Italy perked up and Ireland won, as I predicted last year 🙂

Just a little word of warning to Mr. Bastareaud, of France. Twice in the last game my lovely Mum saw you upset ‘HER’ Little Leigh Halfpenny and she is very cross with you.
So cross, in fact, she removed the water element from your name when she instructed the ref to get round the other side and look at you – both times 😀
Watch out if you ever visit ‘The ‘Shire’ young man, Big as you are, Your card has been well and truly marked. She has a walking stick and isn’t afraid to use it.😀

We are hoping to see the Peter Rabbit movie tomorrow as part of our weekly road trip.
My lovely Mum and me, I mean. Not me and the Bastar (eau) d

Just popping in

Hello, Come through. You’re lucky to catch me.

I’ll pop the kettle on. I’ve only popped in to water the plants and check the fridge.

Look at this. A soggy lime ! It was in the salad drawer.
I know ! You’re right, I DO hate them.

How very odd, I don’t even remember buying it.

Ooh, here’s a pint of yoghurt. Oh! No it’s not.
I think this milk’s on the turn.
Smell that, what do you think?

You what? OH! Are you? I wonder what brought that on? Just lean over the sink.

Here, Move over a bit and I’ll tip this away.
Blimey, it’s a bit lumpy isn’t it.
Oops, did that get on your hair?

Well It’s blocked the plughole now.
Mind, Let me run the tap.
Ah! That’s not good! It’s never going to wash away in lumps like that.

Move your head, I’ll try the cold tap instead.

Oh, Stop it! Are you laughing or crying?

Gagging? You really do over react sometimes.
Wow! From here I can see your roots could do with a touch up.

Hey! I remember now, That’s not a lime at all.
It started out as a lettuce before I went away.
I really have been away longer than I thought.

Here’s a towel and the hairdryer. Stop crying now or you’ll electrocute yourself.